Everything happens for a reason.
I always subscribe to the notion that things are meant to be as they are because of some unknown forces. I never question myself until I start asking myself the other day, why did I think this way in the first place?
A close friend who shared a house with me at university introduced me to Christian’s fundamental which as I remembered, always start with ‘god has a plan’. I’m not a Christian, but it resonates with me deeply because it made me feel better about the not-so-good things happening in my life.
It was comforting for me to know that whatever is happening is part of a bigger plan. Maybe, I need to go through hardship to appreciate life better, etc. This way of thinking was like a filter that edits my life in a prescribed and convenient way.
Since becoming a mum, my life is a like a roller coaster ride with plenty of unexpected turns, most of which is 360 degrees. Naturally, I rely on my old filter to help me survive one day at a time. Little do I know that I am losing myself slowly to the natural force of life.
I thought life was meant to be difficult because I need to learn to bear the toughness in life. Hence, everything that I do comes with a heavy emotional price tag. From my relationship with my husband to the regular daily routine (e.g. going out) feels almost a test. Soon, I was shouldering a heavy weight on my weak body, and I was always feeling tired.
One day, I couldn’t stand the heaviness of the weight any longer. I let myself blown up with anger. I could feel the heat in my body quickly spread to my head. I then heard someone yelling at my husband, ‘I am exhausted. Why you don’t help me?’ Why you always make my life so hard?’
The voice sounds so familiar to me, but I’m sure it’s not me because I will never speak in such thick tone to my beloved husband.
‘I am tired. Every part of me is tired. You need to help me!’
Oh, boy. I think that voice sounds like me, but the words are foreign to me.
‘Yeah, you are always tired. You always tired 23 hours of the day and one hour of the day, you are exhausted.’ Husband was half joking and half serious.
‘What did I do to deserve this! What did I do to you in my previous life?’ I said in a serious tone.
‘And what did I do to deserve such a nagging wife like you.’
Our eyes locked and we break into laughter.
Every time we spoke about a nagging wife, it reminds us of a Chinese-American comedian who joked about how a baby on board sign is a warning sign. The sign is to warn others that he is not scared of dying anymore because he had a crying baby and a nagging wife on board.
I feel the hotness in my head is now gone. I can now hear myself clearly and does not feel the scene is blurry anymore. The natural force was no longer taking over my body.
That night, I reflected on what happened and how I was able to gather myself. I realised that everything doesn’t happen for a reason, but it is us who gave meaning to the reasoning.
If I believe that things happen for a reason, then I must believe that taking my anger out on my poor husband is the right thing to do.
Most of our arguments resolved itself with laughter; sometimes the quarrel can linger for a bit longer than usual. When this happens, the atmosphere of our house is tense and hostile.
To finish, I’d like to leave you with this quote:
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We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.