Giving In

Have you ever surrender to sleep deprivation?

I have.

My body feels heavy as I heard the screeching noise ringing in my ear. I tried to lift my body out of my bed, but I failed miserably. I let my body resumed its previous position as it surrenders to sleep deprivation.

The heat in my head increases as I thought to myself. My little princess is doing this again. Crying for the sake of crying!

With such thought, I feel so light compared to what I was feeling a moment earlier. Dreamland starts to welcome me as I cupped my hands on my ears to block the distracting noises.

When I opened my eyes, I feel uncomfortable in the stomach because something was not right. My precious is still calling for me, earnestly. Our eyes locked. I immediately picked up the sadness and discomfort in my baby’s eyes and quickly pulled myself up to hold her.

Mummy is sorry. I whispered into her ears as my eyes became red.

My heart sank deeper into the Atlantic Sea as I realised how I wrongly accused her of ‘crying for the sake of crying!’. I felt a sharp knife cut through my skin as my baby keeps crying.

She looks like a little-lost dog who just wants to go home. I started rocking her, and together we synced our movements, and soon her eyes became drowsy. She couldn’t keep them open any longer so shortly after that; she was in dreamland.

I kept my eyes on her. Staring at her, I made a detailed examination of her beautiful face. I hope I didn’t damage you because of this mistake. Strange thought to have. Husband will indeed laugh at me.

Photo Credit – Pexels

I pushed the distracting thoughts away because I need some redemption. Now, it is holding my precious and being there with her that is the most important thing.

As I lay in bed holding my baby’s little body, I found myself start self-talking.

‘You often give thoughts about how you feel. But have you ever thought about how Lala is feeling?’

‘I didn’t know that she was not crying for the sake of crying. I’m so tired…’

‘She is tired too. Being so small, it’s tough to take the discomfort.’

‘I know. I know…’

Boy, I really should stop the self-talking.

‘They say, having children is not easy. It is more like us being stubborn and ignorant of their feeling. Kids will always be kids. They are like blank paper, so their reactions to certain stimuli are simply natural. If they are in discomfort or pain, they, of course, will cry.’

At this point, I feel like I have to stop my self-critical voice, but it continued.

‘You know. I think it’s more like it’s not easy for kids to put up with us because adults are too busy crap talking to themselves. Like now.’

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